I just really felt convicted to write about this certain topic today.
I’m sure you all have experience this feeling when you can’t seem to let go of your PAST. Particularly, your PAST MISTAKES. (Man, I ain’t talkin’ about your past relationships, that maybe, yeah.. you can call a mistake…but NO. Not that kind of past mistake. But could also be… if you want.)
You have this feeling that you can’t accept that you’ve done something so stupid and that you failed to meet your own standards or conviction. Perhaps repeated the same mistake you’ve done before. Falling into the same temptation and sinned. You’ve mourned for a time, acknowledged your mistake, confessed it to God and to others you are accountable to, and repented on it. And yet, you feel really regretful, and then sad to depression, and would sometimes get mad at yourself for acting foolish, telling yourself: “Why did you have to do that?”, “Why did you let that happen?”, “What were you thinking?”, “I thought we’re over this. Why now?”. (You’re almost insane for talking to yourself like that!).
And whenever you remember those mistakes or that mistake in particular, although you knew Jesus had already forgiven you of your sins and had washed it away by His blood on the cross (you knew all these things), you just CAN’T SEEM TO LET. IT. GO!
Seriously, what is your problem?? …..What is my problem? I’ve been going through this over and over and over. I would be reminded of it in most days and I would try to shrug it off. But it doesn’t end there, does it? And today, it finally hit me! Just now. (Oh, I can tell you how fast I am writing this blog right now because of this ‘getting hit’ thing.)
You see, my problem here is PRIDE. It’s not the guilt. It’s not the conscience. But Pride. You know, that feeling that you’re too good and too confident about your own achievements and qualities. Even too good to make a mistake. (oh that’s too much and ‘too much’ is never good.)
When I’m finally able to see the reason of all that getting mad and sad/depressed and regretful…. I realized that what I actually really can’t accept is that I failed. I couldn’t accept the fact that I’ve set aside my conviction and failed to meet the standards I put up to myself (which of course should still be aligned to God’s standards).
And all this time, knowing that I’ve failed, I’ve been trying to heal on my own way, depending on my own strength, dealing with it my own way, without even realizing it. Who ever said that after the confession and repentance, we get to deal with things on our own? Who ever said that as we heal, we get to heal on our own? That even as we face the consequences of our sins, were we alone?
Jesus never left. He promised to be with us wherever we go. Through times of rejoicing, grieving, sufferings, and disciplining, He was there and will always be there. He promised that we are never alone. That even while we were acting foolish, He was working something good behind it all.
So why depend on myself when I know all these truths? Isn’t God sovereign and in control of everything, faithful and a mighty God? Was He not enough for me? Do you see the pride in that? By not accepting my failure, I am actually more dependent and reliant of myself.
Acceptance of my failure should humble myself before the Lord and call on to Him. Acceptance of my failure is acknowledging that I need the Lord and there is nothing that I could do or ever accomplish without Him. Acceptance of my failure should remind me that I am not a god and I’m not perfect, so just let God be God and take over. Acceptance of my failure should lead me to trusting the Lord more and asking Him for wisdom in making right decisions to succeed.
To think about it: If it was Pride that brought me to my failure, why then should I rely on Pride to get back up? Perhaps I’ve done enough of my own strength. It’s time to call-in Humility.